Thoughts on Fathers Day.....

I guess I already posted on Facebook today a simple view of my thoughts on Fathers Day.  I have kept quiet for so long, and yet, if I am to rebuild my life, honesty is going to be important.

I love my father, I do.  Kinda don't why though.  When I got sick as a kid, and the brain injury both changed my life and caused me a daily struggle, he said ( and still says) that the "defect " didn't come from his side of the family, and disappeared.  To say I have no relationship with him is an understatement.  My poor Dad doesn't have a close relationship with anybody.   The very few times I have been able to talk with him or spend time, I feel like I would have been a Daddy's girl if given a chance.  It is so hard to love someone so very much, and know that I repulse him.  No matter what I do in my life, I will always be the child he doesn't want.

kinda funny that my first husband and his family called me defective, for the same reasons.  Not surprised that I was attracted to a man who was exactly like my father.  I guess we all know why it didn't work!

So with that I find that men fascinate me.  I spent a lot of time in my life loving men who looked good and never could be emotionally intimate with me.  ( hahaha surprised?)   Now I love to just sit and watch them interact, Dads with kids, Husbands and wives, Sons and Moms. It is like peeking into a foreign land, whose language is unknown to me.  I am fascinated.  I wonder what it would take in me to have a man want to say, what do women do to keep their attention??  ( see the little girl in me is still trying to be better enough for my dad to love me).

Yet, being a big believer in a Higher Power ( God as I call him), and in the mercy of life, I marvel at how much I am loved, and am encouraged to heal.  Is it a mistake that I have 5 boys?  They are becoming 5 different men, and love me unconditionally , no matter what.  They heal that part of me that could become a man hater.  ( Kinda makes me laugh when I tell my story and people put me in that box... do they realize that even though I have made some tough decisions, that I do have 5 boys?)

I think that I am getting different enough that I will be able to fall in love someday with a man who adores me.   Grateful for the men in my life: my sons, the men in support groups that I attend, men who are brave enough to be my friend, and the men who have been surrogate fathers.  I imagine that with all of that love that has been given to me, I am getting ready for the love of a lifetime.  It just took some time! Don't know the who or the when, just know that the seeds of hope are planted.

Oh, and it does crack me up that people think that the non profit I started is only for single moms.  I am so fascinated by Dads, hopw could I not want to serve this community?  They are the very people I wish that my dad could have been.

So Father's Day this year?  Not sad at all.  I am grateful for all the grace I have been given.  And my prayer is still that someday my dad will be able to love me.  Until then I will be grateful for how much I am loved, and how much God loves me to heal a long standing pain.

Today I am not the little brain injured girl who was a throw away, today I am loved by many.

And thankful to the best Father of them all!