Sounds like a Beatles song, but this was so real and very cool.
I have been under some extreme pressure for two weeks ( the kind that isn't posted on Facebook), and even though everyone (well except one person) keeps telling me everything is going to be ok, I am scared. I think I have done everything that I can do in my own power to make the situation different, now it it literally up to God and people who aren't me.
And so the dream.....
I am walking down the street , and I get picked up into the air a few hundred feet, and I keep saying "let GO", then I am dropped but I fall to the ground gracefully. The next day, I am walking again and the same thing happens only this time we fly higher and I am saying Let Go, and I fall gracefully to the ground. The third time, I am picked up by what I now see as a great hawk, and it's giagantic talons are gently holding me. We are flying so very high and my Let go is coming from my heart. I feel the wind whishing past me, and we are climbing higher in the clouds. When we get to the end of my belief that I will survive this, the Great Hawk looks at me and gently says "let Go", and I fall safely back the the ground.
So just for today , I will let go. I will let go of the hurt and anger, the need for control. Today I will stay in the sunshine and the joy of freedom.
Maybe this situation being out of my control is exactly where it needs to be, and I just need to let it. So whatever you are holding onto today, just let go for a moment and enjoy what is around you. I will be right with you!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Today I sat by the grave of a friend........
Today is the third anniversary of the death of a friend of mine. Even though it was an "accident", I am still struck by the horror of the life of a beautiful talented woman cut so short. I swear in the past two days, I have seen women that look just like her.
Those of us who were involved in her last day have struggled every day since her passing. Wondering what should we have done differently to change the outcome. Yet how can you plan for an accident, even when you see the cliff coming for them? Could I have loved her more, gone to her house and wrapped her in a blanket and feed her hot chocolate until she stopped crying?
I remember just weeks before her death, she had graduated from college, and revelling in her joy of completion. Beautiful moments for someone so deserving.
The first year of her death, ( though this may sound weird) I sat by her grave a lot, trying to figure out why she was there. The times I spend by her grave are so much less now, yet the ritual is always the same. I put flowers on the grave of her baby she lost a few years before her death. Then I go to where she is ( which is in viewing distance of the baby's grave) and ask her again, "Why are you here?". Then I tell her that I love her and have no judgement of her choices. I close my eyes and somehow hope that when I open them I will hear her silly laugh and blue eyes laughing at me, with her southern drawl telling me some story.
And I wonder why those who were involved that day still can't talk about our loss. People who weren't involved that day seem to have so easily moved on, like she is a chapter in their lives. For me, some part of me is stuck, stuck in that time and day. My hand gripping the garden arbor over the grave at her funeral because I was pretty sure I was going to scream or pass out. And no one notices. They tell me to get over it and move on, yet in that unexpressed scream my heart is still there.
Her death, as painful as it was, and still is, has saved me many times. So many times I want to give up, believing the lie that this is all too hard, and I focus too much on the pain. Then I remember her, and how much we loved each other as sisters. It is almost like she is kicking my butt, drawing me to my real life, my art, and joy. And I believe one more time. After all, I am alive. I have love and joy. While I believe she is at rest, I know that dying was not what she wanted for any of us. Or to waste a moment of the miracle of this life we all have.
So today, I allow all of the feelings. The horror, the pain, the joy, and the motivation to keep moving toward my truth, to my real life.
Thank you for being my friend, for teaching me about me, and being willing to share what turned out to be the end of your life with me. While the pain is real, so is the memory of our friendship. I look forward to seeing you again, and showing to you what I accomplished because you were my friend.
And every year, I will bring you flowers, because you will be forever spring to me.
Those of us who were involved in her last day have struggled every day since her passing. Wondering what should we have done differently to change the outcome. Yet how can you plan for an accident, even when you see the cliff coming for them? Could I have loved her more, gone to her house and wrapped her in a blanket and feed her hot chocolate until she stopped crying?
I remember just weeks before her death, she had graduated from college, and revelling in her joy of completion. Beautiful moments for someone so deserving.
The first year of her death, ( though this may sound weird) I sat by her grave a lot, trying to figure out why she was there. The times I spend by her grave are so much less now, yet the ritual is always the same. I put flowers on the grave of her baby she lost a few years before her death. Then I go to where she is ( which is in viewing distance of the baby's grave) and ask her again, "Why are you here?". Then I tell her that I love her and have no judgement of her choices. I close my eyes and somehow hope that when I open them I will hear her silly laugh and blue eyes laughing at me, with her southern drawl telling me some story.
And I wonder why those who were involved that day still can't talk about our loss. People who weren't involved that day seem to have so easily moved on, like she is a chapter in their lives. For me, some part of me is stuck, stuck in that time and day. My hand gripping the garden arbor over the grave at her funeral because I was pretty sure I was going to scream or pass out. And no one notices. They tell me to get over it and move on, yet in that unexpressed scream my heart is still there.
Her death, as painful as it was, and still is, has saved me many times. So many times I want to give up, believing the lie that this is all too hard, and I focus too much on the pain. Then I remember her, and how much we loved each other as sisters. It is almost like she is kicking my butt, drawing me to my real life, my art, and joy. And I believe one more time. After all, I am alive. I have love and joy. While I believe she is at rest, I know that dying was not what she wanted for any of us. Or to waste a moment of the miracle of this life we all have.
So today, I allow all of the feelings. The horror, the pain, the joy, and the motivation to keep moving toward my truth, to my real life.
Thank you for being my friend, for teaching me about me, and being willing to share what turned out to be the end of your life with me. While the pain is real, so is the memory of our friendship. I look forward to seeing you again, and showing to you what I accomplished because you were my friend.
And every year, I will bring you flowers, because you will be forever spring to me.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Thoughts on Fathers Day.....
I guess I already posted on Facebook today a simple view of my thoughts on Fathers Day. I have kept quiet for so long, and yet, if I am to rebuild my life, honesty is going to be important.
I love my father, I do. Kinda don't why though. When I got sick as a kid, and the brain injury both changed my life and caused me a daily struggle, he said ( and still says) that the "defect " didn't come from his side of the family, and disappeared. To say I have no relationship with him is an understatement. My poor Dad doesn't have a close relationship with anybody. The very few times I have been able to talk with him or spend time, I feel like I would have been a Daddy's girl if given a chance. It is so hard to love someone so very much, and know that I repulse him. No matter what I do in my life, I will always be the child he doesn't want.
kinda funny that my first husband and his family called me defective, for the same reasons. Not surprised that I was attracted to a man who was exactly like my father. I guess we all know why it didn't work!
So with that I find that men fascinate me. I spent a lot of time in my life loving men who looked good and never could be emotionally intimate with me. ( hahaha surprised?) Now I love to just sit and watch them interact, Dads with kids, Husbands and wives, Sons and Moms. It is like peeking into a foreign land, whose language is unknown to me. I am fascinated. I wonder what it would take in me to have a man want to say, what do women do to keep their attention?? ( see the little girl in me is still trying to be better enough for my dad to love me).
Yet, being a big believer in a Higher Power ( God as I call him), and in the mercy of life, I marvel at how much I am loved, and am encouraged to heal. Is it a mistake that I have 5 boys? They are becoming 5 different men, and love me unconditionally , no matter what. They heal that part of me that could become a man hater. ( Kinda makes me laugh when I tell my story and people put me in that box... do they realize that even though I have made some tough decisions, that I do have 5 boys?)
I think that I am getting different enough that I will be able to fall in love someday with a man who adores me. Grateful for the men in my life: my sons, the men in support groups that I attend, men who are brave enough to be my friend, and the men who have been surrogate fathers. I imagine that with all of that love that has been given to me, I am getting ready for the love of a lifetime. It just took some time! Don't know the who or the when, just know that the seeds of hope are planted.
Oh, and it does crack me up that people think that the non profit I started is only for single moms. I am so fascinated by Dads, hopw could I not want to serve this community? They are the very people I wish that my dad could have been.
So Father's Day this year? Not sad at all. I am grateful for all the grace I have been given. And my prayer is still that someday my dad will be able to love me. Until then I will be grateful for how much I am loved, and how much God loves me to heal a long standing pain.
Today I am not the little brain injured girl who was a throw away, today I am loved by many.
And thankful to the best Father of them all!
I love my father, I do. Kinda don't why though. When I got sick as a kid, and the brain injury both changed my life and caused me a daily struggle, he said ( and still says) that the "defect " didn't come from his side of the family, and disappeared. To say I have no relationship with him is an understatement. My poor Dad doesn't have a close relationship with anybody. The very few times I have been able to talk with him or spend time, I feel like I would have been a Daddy's girl if given a chance. It is so hard to love someone so very much, and know that I repulse him. No matter what I do in my life, I will always be the child he doesn't want.
kinda funny that my first husband and his family called me defective, for the same reasons. Not surprised that I was attracted to a man who was exactly like my father. I guess we all know why it didn't work!
So with that I find that men fascinate me. I spent a lot of time in my life loving men who looked good and never could be emotionally intimate with me. ( hahaha surprised?) Now I love to just sit and watch them interact, Dads with kids, Husbands and wives, Sons and Moms. It is like peeking into a foreign land, whose language is unknown to me. I am fascinated. I wonder what it would take in me to have a man want to say, what do women do to keep their attention?? ( see the little girl in me is still trying to be better enough for my dad to love me).
Yet, being a big believer in a Higher Power ( God as I call him), and in the mercy of life, I marvel at how much I am loved, and am encouraged to heal. Is it a mistake that I have 5 boys? They are becoming 5 different men, and love me unconditionally , no matter what. They heal that part of me that could become a man hater. ( Kinda makes me laugh when I tell my story and people put me in that box... do they realize that even though I have made some tough decisions, that I do have 5 boys?)
I think that I am getting different enough that I will be able to fall in love someday with a man who adores me. Grateful for the men in my life: my sons, the men in support groups that I attend, men who are brave enough to be my friend, and the men who have been surrogate fathers. I imagine that with all of that love that has been given to me, I am getting ready for the love of a lifetime. It just took some time! Don't know the who or the when, just know that the seeds of hope are planted.
Oh, and it does crack me up that people think that the non profit I started is only for single moms. I am so fascinated by Dads, hopw could I not want to serve this community? They are the very people I wish that my dad could have been.
So Father's Day this year? Not sad at all. I am grateful for all the grace I have been given. And my prayer is still that someday my dad will be able to love me. Until then I will be grateful for how much I am loved, and how much God loves me to heal a long standing pain.
Today I am not the little brain injured girl who was a throw away, today I am loved by many.
And thankful to the best Father of them all!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Inspiration and life
Several months ago I was watching a documentary on ( I know but I LOVE documentaries!) the Fisherman in the Ukraine and the Union that they are trying to start. The story was of a beautiful man who was giving his whole life to making sure that the seas were not over fished by large corporations, and that his commarades were paid a fair wage for their labors. Since they were all struggling, there is little money for the union and no financial backing. When the story ended, his power had been turned off for three months because he was giving everything to try to make a change for the better. ( By the way his wife was a saint and stood by him through it all!)
Of course, and yes I thought of myself, my kids, and Conchetta House. This is the first time in my life that I have ever believed in something with everything that I am! ( well except for my kids when they were ill, I prayed would be better!) When I have to make copies, I watch my bank balance like a hawk. ( and I do mean mine , not Conchetta House!)
I have an affinity for that man. I too am trying to do the impossible when no one is listening. Big corporations give big money to organizations they understand. I was told that the Senate in DC would NEVER support helping single parents complete college through a housing voucher. ( I know, but the Senators office staff told me that it would be too divisive to support keeping families together and helping them reduce the services that they need through independence.)
If I told you, or anyone, or let myself know how much I have contributed to Conchetta House, we all would be surprised. I feel for that man in the Ukraine. As we have to move houses because the landlord is selling our home, we have no reserves because I have put them to good use. Helping families, returning smiles to children, and hope to parents.
And my boys? Amazing. Simply amazing. My 4 boys at home GET IT. They understand why the struggle to believe, why we sacrifice. ( My older kids haven't seemed to understand yet, but they haven't been a part, they are on to their own lives).
So I am honored to ( as a Medicine Man I once met said) " To suffer as my ancestors have suffered". By moving in with my Mom, being humbled, I can't help but feel that this is also a part of the Conchetta House story. That it's Founder also struggled with housing, loss, and then rebuilt to victory.
If that is the truth, if our lives are meant to be part of the story so that other families can have a chance at a better life, then I say....."Bring It On"!
Of course, and yes I thought of myself, my kids, and Conchetta House. This is the first time in my life that I have ever believed in something with everything that I am! ( well except for my kids when they were ill, I prayed would be better!) When I have to make copies, I watch my bank balance like a hawk. ( and I do mean mine , not Conchetta House!)
I have an affinity for that man. I too am trying to do the impossible when no one is listening. Big corporations give big money to organizations they understand. I was told that the Senate in DC would NEVER support helping single parents complete college through a housing voucher. ( I know, but the Senators office staff told me that it would be too divisive to support keeping families together and helping them reduce the services that they need through independence.)
If I told you, or anyone, or let myself know how much I have contributed to Conchetta House, we all would be surprised. I feel for that man in the Ukraine. As we have to move houses because the landlord is selling our home, we have no reserves because I have put them to good use. Helping families, returning smiles to children, and hope to parents.
And my boys? Amazing. Simply amazing. My 4 boys at home GET IT. They understand why the struggle to believe, why we sacrifice. ( My older kids haven't seemed to understand yet, but they haven't been a part, they are on to their own lives).
So I am honored to ( as a Medicine Man I once met said) " To suffer as my ancestors have suffered". By moving in with my Mom, being humbled, I can't help but feel that this is also a part of the Conchetta House story. That it's Founder also struggled with housing, loss, and then rebuilt to victory.
If that is the truth, if our lives are meant to be part of the story so that other families can have a chance at a better life, then I say....."Bring It On"!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
A tangent about love
I watched The Voice ( which by the way is my new favorite show, and my voice teacher Audrey Holmes would have approved!) Watching CeeLo sing "Everyday People " got me to thinking.
I really do love people, just watching them. Mostly I adore people who are truly themselves, the elderly who are never afraid to speak their minds, young children when asked a question tell you the answer, and the street people in downtown ( and most everyone in between). I just adore being the observer, watching a little snippet of their life in a glance, a joyful step, in a carefree moment. And I always pray for them , being thankful for the little moment of joy and that their life's journey is safe.
Like some of the street people, ( this may sound silly) , but the way they dress. So free and full of self expression. When they have very little, you know that everything they have is a story. So beautiful that they wear their life on their sleeves.
Being a child of the 60's and 70's, I really believed all the songs about loving and caring and activism. Those songs went deep into my heart and are probably what fuels my beliefs and passion for others, the planet, and justice. And yes, I have the JFK Inaugural speech on a LP, and yes I still listen to it!
Actually the only "ugly" I have ever seen is prejudice and hate. Seen and been a victim of both. I remember being in Florida serving in a national relief organization, and watching my fellow volunteers treat some of the maid staff ( and each other) HORRIBLY. Like some people were less than, not human at all- with feelings and kids and all of the same worries. Still breaks my heart ,the bitterness, maybe that's why I haven't traveled with that organization again.
I have tried to teach my kids to see others as people, beautiful and valid. I think they do. My son, Mike is pursuing a life of giving of himself to service and he married a beautiful woman who is committed to the same. Makes me incredibly proud.
Maybe if we all spent a few moments just appreciating strangers, there would be no strangers anymore...........Everday People
I really do love people, just watching them. Mostly I adore people who are truly themselves, the elderly who are never afraid to speak their minds, young children when asked a question tell you the answer, and the street people in downtown ( and most everyone in between). I just adore being the observer, watching a little snippet of their life in a glance, a joyful step, in a carefree moment. And I always pray for them , being thankful for the little moment of joy and that their life's journey is safe.
Like some of the street people, ( this may sound silly) , but the way they dress. So free and full of self expression. When they have very little, you know that everything they have is a story. So beautiful that they wear their life on their sleeves.
Being a child of the 60's and 70's, I really believed all the songs about loving and caring and activism. Those songs went deep into my heart and are probably what fuels my beliefs and passion for others, the planet, and justice. And yes, I have the JFK Inaugural speech on a LP, and yes I still listen to it!
Actually the only "ugly" I have ever seen is prejudice and hate. Seen and been a victim of both. I remember being in Florida serving in a national relief organization, and watching my fellow volunteers treat some of the maid staff ( and each other) HORRIBLY. Like some people were less than, not human at all- with feelings and kids and all of the same worries. Still breaks my heart ,the bitterness, maybe that's why I haven't traveled with that organization again.
I have tried to teach my kids to see others as people, beautiful and valid. I think they do. My son, Mike is pursuing a life of giving of himself to service and he married a beautiful woman who is committed to the same. Makes me incredibly proud.
Maybe if we all spent a few moments just appreciating strangers, there would be no strangers anymore...........Everday People
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
A night full of gratitude
Today was a day that my heart needed. It is kinda funny that during this time when we are uncertain about our own housing, I have managed to gain housing for 2 new families at Conchetta House, and it seems like God keeps sending me "it's gonna be OK" messages. I know, talking about God sending messages makes people think I have lost my mind, but God is all I have ever relied on. So every song on the radio seems to have a positive message, and friends are coming out of the woodwork telling me how much they appreciate me. ( hmmmm, pinch me, is this a dream?)
Tonight in a gathering of friends and their kids , it was my time in the "circle" , and I got to hear what they think of me, and shared my heart with them. Amazing. Out of it all I felt , "seen". Like what I thought I was doing, was really happening. It felt good to have people see my heart and appreciate me.
So tonight one of my favorite songs came onto Pandora, and it seems appropriate for tonight. Sweet Surrender. Let go and let God, keep packing the house, keep looking and the "net" will appear.
Well, that is what I have to believe, just for tonight! John Denver Sweet Surrender
Tonight in a gathering of friends and their kids , it was my time in the "circle" , and I got to hear what they think of me, and shared my heart with them. Amazing. Out of it all I felt , "seen". Like what I thought I was doing, was really happening. It felt good to have people see my heart and appreciate me.
So tonight one of my favorite songs came onto Pandora, and it seems appropriate for tonight. Sweet Surrender. Let go and let God, keep packing the house, keep looking and the "net" will appear.
Well, that is what I have to believe, just for tonight! John Denver Sweet Surrender
Monday, June 13, 2011
Day 3- just when you think you know......
Ha, what a weird day! ( By the way, have you ever noticed that the word weird looks...weird?)
First the bad news. Yes indeed the house was a scam. I guess this guy was going to the rental sites, then posting the information on Craigs List, and having people respond to him instead of the real owners. I am glad that for once I took my time and investigated. And yes, tomorrow both the Attorney General and the news media will get the information. While I know this guy is out of country ( probably), I still want to draw attention to the problem.
But that still leaves us with no house. I am hoping to find something with a little land around it, where the dogs and kids can have open space, and I can plant a garden. There aren't too many more days until we need to be out of our home.....I truly have no idea what we are going to do...........oh yea, PRAY!
Now the amazing news. I told a few friends that we had to move ( and having been unemployed for so long, I had no money to move!). They stepped up to help. And then Dylan from New Moon Cafe is throwing a benefit for Conchetta House ( the non profit I started) and feeding the communityat the same time.
While there are so many scary things going on in our lives, I am feeling a little like George Bailey in " It's a Wonderful Life." Amazing. While all the problems aren't gone, I have friends. Wow. I am amazed at these wonderful people who would take their time to care about me. Simply amazing.
And one of my jobs is working as an office manager for a cleaning company. She offered to help with the move out clean for us. The other client today, a social media client was incredible. The exact atmosphere I want to work in, doing what I love. Hope that goes a lot farther!
So tonight, while I still have a place to lay my head, I will bid this 14 hour day farewell, and sleep the sleep of a blessed woman, for that is truly what I am.
Rebuilding my Life? Hmmm maybe I don't have as far to go as I thought!
First the bad news. Yes indeed the house was a scam. I guess this guy was going to the rental sites, then posting the information on Craigs List, and having people respond to him instead of the real owners. I am glad that for once I took my time and investigated. And yes, tomorrow both the Attorney General and the news media will get the information. While I know this guy is out of country ( probably), I still want to draw attention to the problem.
But that still leaves us with no house. I am hoping to find something with a little land around it, where the dogs and kids can have open space, and I can plant a garden. There aren't too many more days until we need to be out of our home.....I truly have no idea what we are going to do...........oh yea, PRAY!
Now the amazing news. I told a few friends that we had to move ( and having been unemployed for so long, I had no money to move!). They stepped up to help. And then Dylan from New Moon Cafe is throwing a benefit for Conchetta House ( the non profit I started) and feeding the communityat the same time.
While there are so many scary things going on in our lives, I am feeling a little like George Bailey in " It's a Wonderful Life." Amazing. While all the problems aren't gone, I have friends. Wow. I am amazed at these wonderful people who would take their time to care about me. Simply amazing.
And one of my jobs is working as an office manager for a cleaning company. She offered to help with the move out clean for us. The other client today, a social media client was incredible. The exact atmosphere I want to work in, doing what I love. Hope that goes a lot farther!
So tonight, while I still have a place to lay my head, I will bid this 14 hour day farewell, and sleep the sleep of a blessed woman, for that is truly what I am.
Rebuilding my Life? Hmmm maybe I don't have as far to go as I thought!
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